Duties of the Host and the Rights of the Guest

Duties of the Host

1. Food & drink: If one is expecting to receive guests, one should endevour to be hospitable and generous yet not excesively. Excessiveness in providing food and drink is NOT from the sunnah.

2. The guests stay: You should try to make your guests stay pleasant and comfortable during the day and night. Informing them of the direction of the Qibla and showing them the way to the bathroom. Don't let the closeness or informality of a guesst give you reason to lapse.

3. Bathroom: You should provide towels for your guests to use after ablution, having a shower or washing the hands before and after meals. Do NOT offer towels that your family members have used. It is also a nice idea to provide the guest with perfume and a mirror. One should make sure the toiletries and bathroom accessories will be clean and sanitised. One should finally make sure and inspect the bathroom in advance to remove anything you wouldn't want the guest to see. (i.e. laundry baskets and such like private/personal items). Put your guest at ease and do not burden him.

4. Sleep: A guest would require rest and quiet sleep. The guest should be spared the noise of children and the house as much as possible. One should remove any intimate clothing from view in that room, and if the guest is a man one should remove all womens clothing and belongings from that room.

5. Meeting guests: Receive them with tact and respect. Dress properly and look your best but do not be excessive in this. A close relationship between you and your guest is not and excuse for negligence or indecency in manner or appearance. Imam Bukhari (رحمة الله عليه) reported in Al Adab Al Mufrad that our forefathers used to looktheir best when visiting one another.

6. Kindness: One should be kind and considerate to ones guests. As a general rule do not ask them to help you with house chores. Imam Al-Shafi'i (رحمة الله عليه) said, "Gentlemen do not emply their guests". So don't expect help or demand it.

Duties of the Guest

1. Timing of the visit: When visiting a close friend or relative one should be mindful of the host's circumstances and other commitments. A visit should be made as brief as possible as everybody has various jobs and duties. The host will also appreciate this more as you will burden him less. A guest is only a guest for three days after that he is not considered a guest anymore.

2. Kindness: Be gentle, and be considerate of your hosts and volunteer your help with their business, house chores and obligations.

3. Do not inspect: When at your host's house do not inspect or examine every corner, especially when you are invited beyond the guest room, lest you see something you are not supposed to notice. If you go beyond your room don't look at what you shouldn't be looking at. Also, do not bother your guest by asking to many questions about the host themselves, their families, or the house itself.

Burdening the Host with Requests

Whether one is visiting friends or relatives, one must avoid unnecessary requests that may inconvenience the host. For example, using the phone, going to the toilet or performing ablution.

Good manners dictate that you should be considerate, for not every house may have facilities prepared for the use of guests. The condition or location may cause embarrassment or inconvinience to the host or the family of the host.

One should prepare for things before leaving home, in order to minimise the potential inconvience or burden on the host. A host can only be pleased at a burden-free, non-embarrassing visit; and will enjoy your visit more as a result. One should always consider the convenience and appropriateness of ones actions when visiting.

Choosing a seat

When visiting someone, one should sit where requested to by the host and should be weary of arguing with the host about the place they wish you to sit. If you sit where you want, you may overlook a private area of the house, or may cause some inconvenience to the hosts.

When the honoured companion, 'Adi ibn Hatam al-Ta'i (رضى الله عنه) embraced Islam, he came to Medina to the the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) honoured Hatam by motioning him to sit on a cushion, while he himself sat on the floor. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) took a leather cushion filled with palm fibre and threw it on the floor. "Sit on this" he said, "No, you sit on it", the companion responded. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) insisted "No, you". So the companion sat on the cushion whilst the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) sat on the floor.

(Ibn Kathir: al-Bidaya wa al-Nihaya)

"Kharija ibn Zayada visited Ibn Sirin and found him sitting on a cushion on the floor and wanted to sit like him, saying, "I wish to sit as you sit". Ibn Sirin replied, "In my home, I will not be content to provide you with my ordinary seat. Sit where you are asked to sit".

It is hence important not to sit in the host's seat unless he invites you to do so. In this regard, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"No person shall lead another in prayer while at the latter's house. No person shall sit, uninvited, at the favourite seat of the master of the house."

If one arrives early at a gathering and the host out of kindness directs you to sit at the most prominent seat, be prepared to stand up and give the seat to the elders, the notables or the scholars when they arrive after you. they deserve the seat more than you. do not be insensitive and tactless. Refusing to give up a seat to those who traditionally deserve it, only indicates lack of manners and common sense.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Those who do not respect the elders do not belong to us."

Remaining entrenched in ones seat does not help to elevate ones status, but will certainly raise eyebrows amongst those present. Insisting upon undeserved honour is considered arrogance. This rule applies equally to men and women. Being insensible does not enhance ones social status, but on the contrary tarnishes ones reputation. Honouring an honourable person will only improve ones standing and stir admiration for ones manners and humbleness. Something many today are in dire need of.

If one is sat in the second best place and a notable person entered the room, one should give up that seat for the person. To be respectful of the elders testifies good manners and social awareness/sense. Imam Muslim (رحمة الله عليه) reported that when organising the prayers the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"The wisest of you and the elders should stand behind me, then those below them then those below them."

A prominent person may call upon you to discuss a matter, or to answer a query, or to give you advice. If you sit beside or near them for this purpose, it is desirable that you return to your previous seat once the matter is concluded, unless that person insists you remain in that new seat. One should be aware of the place becoming so crowded that it causes a discomfort to those already sitting there and in these circumstances decline the invitation. These manners are based on common sense, but can be developed by socialising with prominent, tactful individuals; in order to enhance ones good manners and graceful behaviour.

If one is the youngest in a gathering, one should not sit before being invited to do so, or if one would be crowding others or forcing them out of their seat. If invited to sit, one should not proceed to the best place if others are more deserving of it, and one should be prepared to give up that seat to that person. doing this before being prompted to do so, may increase ones social standing and admiration of ones manners and good character.

SUMMARY

1. Wait to be told where to sit and sit where requested.

2. Do not insist on sitting in the hosts seat, or where you wish, for you may see something private and cause inconvenience.

3. Accept whatever hospitality is offered.

4. Always give up your seat for the more deserving.

5. If you are the youngest, do not sit until invited to do so, and be prepared to rise for one more deserving of that seat.