Brief advice to the sisters

In the book "Islamic Manners", Shaykh 'Abd al-Fattah Abu Ghuddah mentions the following key points directed towards the sisters predominantly. That is not to say that brothers are innocent of that which is mentioned but just to say that it is ooften the women who partake in such things.

1. Timing your visit: If you want to visit your relatives or your Muslims sisters, be careful when selecting the days and the hour of your visit and its duration. Do not arrive for example at meal times or at resting times as this may cause inconvenience to the host. Even with relatives and friends make your visit short, brief and pleasant. Avoid turning your visit into a boring wearisome, inquisitive and lengthy visit.

2. Purpose of your visit: The purpose of your visit should be to rekindle and nourish friendship or kinship. A brief considerate visit is more beloved that the long tedious one in which the conversation moves from being purposeful to being aimless and trivial.

3. Conversation:

The tabi'i Muhammad ibn Shihab al Zuhri said:

"When a meeting becomes too long, Satan increasingly participates in it."

As the length of a visit increases and shaytaan increasingly participates, the conversation turns from that which is beneficial to tale bearing, gossip, backbiting and other undesirable and unislamic traits. The worst of all people on the day of judgement will be the one who is 2 faced. So be careful and aware of that which leaves your tongue. The sane and intelligent Muslim sister does not have time for the nonesense of idle talk, gossip and backbiting, speak that which is of benefit or remain silent.

The evils of Al-Ghiba'a are deeply rooted in today's socieety, to read more about Al-Ghiba'a, its causes and cures CLICK HERE and HERE. May Allah purify us and distance us from the evils of the tongue. Ameen.

Burdening the Host with Requests

Whether one is visiting friends or relatives, one must avoid unnecessary requests that may inconvenience the host. For example, using the phone, going to the toilet or performing ablution.

Good manners dictate that you should be considerate, for not every house may have facilities prepared for the use of guests. The condition or location may cause embarrassment or inconvinience to the host or the family of the host.

One should prepare for things before leaving home, in order to minimise the potential inconvience or burden on the host. A host can only be pleased at a burden-free, non-embarrassing visit; and will enjoy your visit more as a result. One should always consider the convenience and appropriateness of ones actions when visiting.

A Visitor is not an Inspector

When you enter the home of your host, whether as a visitor or an overnight guest, one should not closely examine its contents as an inspector would. It is important to limit ones observation to what you need to see. Do not open closed closets, suitcases, files or boxes. Do not inspect a wallet, a package or a covered object. This is against Islamic manners and is an impolite betrayal of the trust your host has accorded to you. In order to cultivate the hosts love and respect, one should uphold these manners during the visit.

Imam al-Muhasibi (رحمة الله عليه) in Risalat al-Mutarshidin said, "The duty of sight is to preclude forbidden sights and not to try and see what has been hidden or covered. Likewise Dawud al-Ta'i said,

"I was told we would be accountable for our minor gazes, as we are accountable for our minor deeds".

The Arab poet, Miskin al-Darimi said,

"My neighbour need not worry if his door is not closed".

SUMMARY

1. Do not closely examine anything or uncover that which is hidden.

2. Do not be nosey and keep your gaze lowered.

3. Inspecting without permission is a breach of trust and a sign of the munafiq.

4. Uphold and know these ettiquettes in order to gain reward with Allah (سبحانه وتعالى).

The Right Time?

APPROPRIATE TIME TO VISIT?

One should always choose an appropriate time for visiting. It is disliked to visit at inconvenient times:

1) Meal times

2) When it is the time for the noon rest

3) When people are resting or relaxing

4) Before Fajr prayers

5) After Isha' Prayers

THE LENGTH OF THE VISIT

The length of a visit should correspond with how well you know the host, their circumsances and conditions. Do not overstay your welcome by making your visit too long or burdensome. One should always be aware not to sit for too long, as we may be harming the hosts.

Today many of us neglect this adab and continue to sit for hours, assuming it is okay because we know the hosts well, and are very close to them. This is not correct. Often a longer visit, is of little benefit and increases opportunity for purpose to divulge into major sins of Backbiting, slander and idle gossip.

When visiting someone, there is a fine line between being welcome and harming the host, by over burdening them with requests and demands. Often people are in a hurry and one should seek ijaza for their time. This is especially important when visiting Ulema. One should always endeavour to seek an appointment where possible to avoiding inconveniencing someone. As people have their own schedules and it may not be convenient for them

Imam Nawawi (رحمة الله عليه) said:

"It is strongly recommened for Muslims to visit the pious people, their brethren, neighbours, friends and relatives, and to be generous, kind and obliging to them. However, the extent of the visit varies according to the hosts circumstances. The visit ought to be conducted in a pleasant manner and at convenient times. There are numerous sayings and traditions in this regard."

(Al Adhkar in the chapter of Isti'dhan)

The Manners of Visiting

CHAPTER 4

KEEPING APPOINTMENTS

Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) says in the Quran:

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُواْ أَوْفُواْ بِالْعُقُودِ

"O you who believe, fulfil your promises....."

(Surah Al Mai'da: Verse 1)

Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) also praised Prophet Isma'il;

وَاذْكُرْ فِي الْكِتَابِ إِسْمَاعِيلَ إِنَّهُ كَانَ صَادِقَ الْوَعْدِ وَكَانَ رَسُولًا نَّبِيًّا

"Also mention in the Book (the story of) Isma’il: He was (strictly) true to what he promised, and he was an Apostle (and) a Prophet."

(Surah Maryam: Verse 54)

Keeping appointments is vital to life. Time is the most precious commodity. Once wasted, it can never be recovered. If you make an appointment, whether with a friend, Ulema or for business, you should do your utmost to keep this appointment. This somewhat simple adab is the right of the person you are visiting, as they have favoured you by sacrificing their valuable time for you. Lapse in timekeeping and failure to keep an appointmentnot only disrupts and causes inconvenience to the one you are visiting/meeting/arranged to see but also marrs your image and reputation. As your time keeping skills decline, peoples respect for you will also. Regardless of their importance, one should always endeavour to keep appointments;

وَأَوْفُواْ بِالْعَهْدِ إِنَّ الْعَهْدَ كَانَ مَسْؤُولاً

"....And keep your promises; the promise is a responsibility"

(Quran Surah Al-Isra: verse 34)

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) once gave an appointment to one of his Companions. The Companion came 3 days later. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) gently reprimanded him saying "You have caused me some trouble. I have been waiting for you for 3 days". The Companion probably had an excuse for this however he had no means by which to inform the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) of this in advance.

Today in an age of technology and reliable communication available everywhere, one would wonder why we have MST (Muslim Standard Time) or general widespread lateness amongst the Muslims. One should realise that we may infact be inconveniencing those who are to be visited. To seek an appointment is to seek permission. One should always endeavour to inform of the inability to make an appointment as that valuable time can be utilised elsewhere. No matter how unimportant a meeting may seem, it always merits an apology or prior notice of lateness, or cancellation.

An appointment is a commitment which shoould be kept properly or cancelled in advance.

In an age where the words "إن شاء الله" and "promise" are merely lipservice, one should be reminded of the clear prohibition of breaking promises and trust:

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: "Three traits single out the hypocrite, even if he prays or fasts and claims to be Muslim: if he speaks he lies. If he makes a promise, he does not keep it. If he is entrusted, he betrays the trust."

(Bukhari & Muslim)

Imam Ghazali (رحمة الله عليه) explained that this hadith is applicable to those who promise while intending not to fulfil it, or those who, without excuse, decide later not to fulfil a promise. Those who promise but could not fulfil their promise due to a proper excuse are not hypocrites. One should be careful not to present a false excuse as Allah (سبحانه وتعالى) knows that which is in our hearts.

Never make a promise while intending not to keep it, for verily, actions are but by intentions. This is forbidden as it falls within lying and hypocrisy.

Identifying Oneself

If you knock a door or ring the bell when you visit someone, and are asked "Who is it?" you should identify yourself by giving your common name or kunya. It is disliked to respond "It is me" or "Somebody" or "Guess who?" because these do not give away your identity and may agrevate the person being visited who may indeed not recognise voices easily.

Jabir Ibn Abdullah (رضى الله عنه) narrated: "I went to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) for a debt that was upon my father. I knocked on the door, and He (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, "Who is there?" I answered "Me". He said "Me, me" in a way that showed His dislike of my answer.

(Bukhari & Muslim)

*

During the year of the Makkan conquest, Umm Haanai رضى الله عنها (the sister of Ali ibn Abi Talib) once went to the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) and learned that he was taking a bath. His daughter Fatimah رضى الله عنها was holding up a cover to protect him from the view of others. Umm Haanai later said, "Then I extended greetings of peace to Him, and He said, 'Who is this?' I said, Umm Haanai Bint Abu Taalib..."

(Bukhari and Muslim)

*

Abdullahi ibn Buraidah (رضى الله عنه) related that his father said, "The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) left to go to the Masjid; meanwhile Abu Moosa was reciting. He (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, "Who is this?" I said, 'I am Buraidah; may I be made ransom for you', He (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said 'This one has been given the flute (i.e. his voice) from the flutes of Dawood's family".

(Al Adab Al Mufrad)

*

Abu Dharr (رضى الله عنه) said "One night while I was walking I saw the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) walking by himself. I walked behind him in the shade of the moon, but he turned around and saw me and asked, "Who is there?" I replied, "It is Abu Dharr".

(Bukhari)

*

So the correct adab of identifying oneself is to avoid confusion and clearly convey ones identity.

Knocking & Ringing

When at the door, one should knock or ring the bell in a pleasant way and not louder than necessary to make your presence known. One should not knock loudly and violently or ring the bell continuously. In other words, one should act like a visitor, and not a thug or oppressor attempting to frighten the occupants.

A woman went to visit Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal (رحمة الله عليه) seeking his opinion on a religious matter. She banged the door loudly. He came out saying "This is the banging of the police". Likewise Imam Bukhari (رحمة الله عليه) reported in al-Adab al-Mufrad that the Companions of the Prophet used to knock with the tips of their fingers in a soft and gentle manner.

If the living quarters of the person you are visiting are close to the door, it is important to only softly/gently knock with the tips of the fingers, to make your presence known. For those with living quarters further from the door, it is appropriate to knock a little louder, but without banging, or ring the bell enough for them to hear. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Gentleness adorns every act. Its absence will tarnish it."

In addition, Imam Muslim (رحمة الله عليه) reported that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) also said:

"Whoever lacks kindness, lacks all good things".

Between knocks or rings of the bell, one should leave adequate time to allow those being visited to finish performing wudu, finish salaah (approximate time it takes to read 4 raka'as) , or to allow them to finish eating without rushing. One should keep in mind that the person being visited may have jsut started one of the above acts, before you knocked or rang the bell.

After attempting knocks or ringing the bell 3 spaced times, it is important to understand that the person you are visiting may be busy, or would have answered, hence you should leave. One should never enter without permission. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"If you sought permission three times, and were not granted permission, then you must leave".

(Bukhari & Muslim)

When you knock or ring the bell, it is also important that you do not stand infront of the door, but to the left or right of it. The Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) recommended that one should stand to the left or to the right of the door and to avoid facing it to prevent people seeing things that are either unlawful for them to see, or that which is private.

SUMMARY
1. Knock gently with the tips of the fingers, or just loud enough for the occupants to hear.
2. Do not bang the door or ring the bell continuously. Be patient.
3. Allow enough time for the person to answer the door (about the time it takes to read 4 raka'ahs) between each knock.
4. After 3 spaced knocks, and no answer. Leave.
5. Do not stand infront of the door, but slightly to the right or left, so that you may protect your eyes from that which may not be lawful for you to see.

Arriving from a Journey

When travelling to visit someone or intending to receive guests, we should ensure that our hands, feet, socks and clothing are clean and we have a neat appearance. No matter whether those in question are your parents, relatives, peers, friends of a different age, or others. We should never underestimate the importance of our appearance. This could not only lead us to harming others with our bad odour, or untidy appearance but may actually impact the meeting as a whole. As has been mentioned earlier, humans have a natural tendency to love and be attracted to that which is beautiful, and pleasant.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said to the Companions on their return from a journey:

“You are on the way to meet your brothers, put on nice dress and fix your saddles so you appear distinct among people as a beauty mark [on a beautiful face]. Allah likes neither roughness nor rough manners”.

(Muslim)

When visiting or receiving guests, we should also try to present suitable gifts to those receiving you, or to your guests. However large or small, or even symbolic, this etiquette can greatly enhance the pleasure of a meeting. The joy of meeting with others, is such that you will be remembered when your gift to them is seen or used. The gift can be as simple as a small bottle of itr or an siwak stick.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Exchange gifts; Exchange love"

(Bukhari)

An important point to note here however is not to expect gifts, or to try and give that which is greater; for truly all actions are but by intention. We should give to increase love and for the sake of Allah (سبحانه وتعالى), not to compete, or show our wealth; as this may constitute arrogance. We should also remember the basic etiquette's of giving and receiving in that we don't give just because we receive, and we don't belittle or show lack of gratitude for a gift, no matter what it is. Even if we don't like the present.
The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"I shall accept the invitation even if I were invited to a meal of a sheep's trotter, and I shall accept the gift even if it were an arm or a trotter of a sheep."

in another hadith, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"O Muslim women! None of you should look down upon the gift sent by her she-neighbour even if it were the trotters of the sheep (fleshless part of legs)."

(Sahih Bukhari)

A further note to add here is that often in disagreements, people are renowned to "take back their gifts". The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) clearly forbade this in the following hadith:
(صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"One who takes back his gift (which he has already given) is like a dog that swallows its vomit."

(Sahih Bukhari)

**The Adab of exchanging gifts will be discussed further in chapter 6 inshaAllah