Manners of Sitting amongst others

Sitting between two people

If one enters a room, one should not sit between two people, but should sit to their left or right. Abu Dawud reported that the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Noone is to sit between two people without their permission"

Sometimes two people may be kind enough to favour a person by making room for them to sit between them. One should in this situation acknowledge the gesture by thankfully accepting and being greatful in a good manner by not sitting crossed legged and crowding them. One should be aware that it is not from correct adab to make someone get up for you.

"Two people are truly ungrateful: a person whome you give advice to and he hates you for it, and a person who is favoured with a seat in a tight place and he sits crossed legged".

(saying of Ibn A'araabi)

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Listening in...and private conversations

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If one sits next to two people one should be careful not to eavesdrop and listen to what they say, for it could be that their conversation is confidential and about a private matter. Eavesdropping is a bad habit and a sin. Imam Bukhari (رحمة الله عليه) reported that the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Whoever listens to people's conversation against their wishes will be punished by liquid lead being poured down their ears on the Day of Judgement".

If the conversation is not private then it is allowed for you to contribute that which is necessary. If one sees two people having a private conversation it is not permissible for one to go and join them. Similarly if there are 3 people in a gathering 2 of them should not exclude one by having a private conversation or a conversation in a language that the 3rd person does not understand, this is from bad adab. It may be that this is the cause of hurt, hatred or rancour in the heart of the 3rd person. It is an inappropriate manner to whisper something to the person next to you if you are in a group of three. Hence the 3rd person should not be isolated in this manner.

Imam Malik and Abu Dawud reported that the Messenger of Allah (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"No two shall exchange whispers in the presence of a third person".

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) emphasised "No two..." in an assertive negative form, indicating that such a mistake is not only inappropriate but dispicable. In another hadith reported in Bukhari:

"If you were three, two of you should not whisper to each other till you join other people, lest the third feel offended". Abdullah Ibn Umar (رضى الله عنه) was asked; "What if they are four?" "Then this doesn't matter", he answered; meaning it is not then offensive.

Whispers are usually secrets, so if a friend entrusted you with a secret, do not betray it. Do not tell even your best friend or closest relative.

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In the company of elders

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Generally one should seek to benefit from the company and wisdom of the elders who are traditionally described as "A fruit at the end of the season" or "A sun setting among the clouds". Soon they will depart and leave us behind. Be keen to attend the gatherings of elders, scholars, pious persons, nobles and relative so you may benefit. All to soon we lament at the departure of the irrecoverable loss and missed opportunities. When a person in your company speaks to you afce them, do not ignore them, give them their right of respect and be attentive.

Choosing a seat

When visiting someone, one should sit where requested to by the host and should be weary of arguing with the host about the place they wish you to sit. If you sit where you want, you may overlook a private area of the house, or may cause some inconvenience to the hosts.

When the honoured companion, 'Adi ibn Hatam al-Ta'i (رضى الله عنه) embraced Islam, he came to Medina to the the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم). The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) honoured Hatam by motioning him to sit on a cushion, while he himself sat on the floor. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) took a leather cushion filled with palm fibre and threw it on the floor. "Sit on this" he said, "No, you sit on it", the companion responded. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) insisted "No, you". So the companion sat on the cushion whilst the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) sat on the floor.

(Ibn Kathir: al-Bidaya wa al-Nihaya)

"Kharija ibn Zayada visited Ibn Sirin and found him sitting on a cushion on the floor and wanted to sit like him, saying, "I wish to sit as you sit". Ibn Sirin replied, "In my home, I will not be content to provide you with my ordinary seat. Sit where you are asked to sit".

It is hence important not to sit in the host's seat unless he invites you to do so. In this regard, the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"No person shall lead another in prayer while at the latter's house. No person shall sit, uninvited, at the favourite seat of the master of the house."

If one arrives early at a gathering and the host out of kindness directs you to sit at the most prominent seat, be prepared to stand up and give the seat to the elders, the notables or the scholars when they arrive after you. they deserve the seat more than you. do not be insensitive and tactless. Refusing to give up a seat to those who traditionally deserve it, only indicates lack of manners and common sense.

The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"Those who do not respect the elders do not belong to us."

Remaining entrenched in ones seat does not help to elevate ones status, but will certainly raise eyebrows amongst those present. Insisting upon undeserved honour is considered arrogance. This rule applies equally to men and women. Being insensible does not enhance ones social status, but on the contrary tarnishes ones reputation. Honouring an honourable person will only improve ones standing and stir admiration for ones manners and humbleness. Something many today are in dire need of.

If one is sat in the second best place and a notable person entered the room, one should give up that seat for the person. To be respectful of the elders testifies good manners and social awareness/sense. Imam Muslim (رحمة الله عليه) reported that when organising the prayers the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said:

"The wisest of you and the elders should stand behind me, then those below them then those below them."

A prominent person may call upon you to discuss a matter, or to answer a query, or to give you advice. If you sit beside or near them for this purpose, it is desirable that you return to your previous seat once the matter is concluded, unless that person insists you remain in that new seat. One should be aware of the place becoming so crowded that it causes a discomfort to those already sitting there and in these circumstances decline the invitation. These manners are based on common sense, but can be developed by socialising with prominent, tactful individuals; in order to enhance ones good manners and graceful behaviour.

If one is the youngest in a gathering, one should not sit before being invited to do so, or if one would be crowding others or forcing them out of their seat. If invited to sit, one should not proceed to the best place if others are more deserving of it, and one should be prepared to give up that seat to that person. doing this before being prompted to do so, may increase ones social standing and admiration of ones manners and good character.

SUMMARY

1. Wait to be told where to sit and sit where requested.

2. Do not insist on sitting in the hosts seat, or where you wish, for you may see something private and cause inconvenience.

3. Accept whatever hospitality is offered.

4. Always give up your seat for the more deserving.

5. If you are the youngest, do not sit until invited to do so, and be prepared to rise for one more deserving of that seat.